--Reprint from local paper following May '05 outing of the 'Hoh River Expeditionary Force'...

Drunken Idiots Plague Western Washington Coastline

Seattle, WA (AP)---Residents of several Western Washington towns were terrorized by a band of inebriated individuals posing as an innocent group of motorcycling campers this weekend, causing mass panic and bloodshed that left loggers traumatized and a 50-year old woman muttering „There wasn‚t a Harley in the Bunchš. „It appears that the group began their spree in Seattle early last Friday morning, where they apparently base their operations,š said J. McKay, US District Attorney in Washington, „then they proceeded west, carrying large volumes of alcohol, firearms and at least one female minor to conduct evil experiments on.š McKay‚s entire office has been dedicated to working with the FBI to complete the investigation into the incident. So far here are the details we‚ve been able to uncover:
  • There were at least 12 individuals in the band, most on motorcycles and at least two chase vehicles loaded with supplies.
  • They attacked one woman in a bar in Port Angeles, a small fishing and logging town on the north coast of the Olympic Peninsula, and actually tried to steal her purse and sunglasses. She also suffered injuries when shoved into a sign the group had disguised as a coat rack.
  • Several Policemen were involved in brushes with the group, usually traveling at high speed in the opposite direction.
  • A large chunk of the pristine Hoh River rainforest was covered in vomit and urine, and some recall seeing several fires exceeding 12 feet in height. US Forest Service agents have sealed off the area and hazardous materials clean up crews are being summoned to the area.
  • An innocent seal was threatened to within an inch of his life without apparent cause. The Pacific Ocean has gone into counseling after being called „Nothing but Rubbishš several times by the group‚s founder.
District Attorney McKay is also holding a local fish and wildlife officer for questioning on why he let part of the group go without anything more than a simple speeding ticket. The unnamed officer is quoted as saying „I was ready to haul them in, but the one guy l ooked so white, I just couldn‚t pull the trigger. I see now that he was part of the group‚s plan to throw off the authorities.š

The woman attacked in Port Angeles was interviewed in her home, down the road, past the park and at the end of the street after the second right. Interviewed while rocking back and forth in the corner amongst parts of a 1947 Harley Flathead Sportster, Karen Wannabecool said „They all looked like good ol‚ Americans, but they were nothing but a bunch of Communists...š She continued, saying „I was deceived and tricked into licking this man‚s earlobe while they laughed and carried on.š

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has appointed a special commission looking into how these people were let into the country. „This is exactly the type of situation where the Geneva Convention rules would not apply.š

In a statement to the press, White House Spokesman Scott McClellan said, „The President has looked into the matter and believes that all of these people must have voted for John Kerry, otherwise there would be at least one Harley in the group. They have been slated for immediate termination.š

As of yet, the group has not been apprehended. A statewide manhunt is underway and the local terrorism alert level has been raised to őUltra-Violet‚. All schools are in lockdown and every piece of prime rib in Costco has been seized in an effort to obtain fingerprints.

Police are advising folks to stay calm and report any sighting of the group known as the őPleasure Barons MC‚ to the authorities without delay.

---Scott, Staff Reporter---
The Seattle Bullshitter
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